Where did all of this begin?

so here we are at the beginning of a brand New Year.

 

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Once again…lol

I started this year being challenged to revisit WHY I am where I am today and what it is that ultimately drives me forward from here. I know, pretty deep thoughts for me too! 😉

But in all reality, I had to stop and just THINK.

What areas of my life bring me the most challenge? Where did I suffer the most pain in my life and how did I get through it all? What, if anything, would I change if I could go back and rewrite my story?

Here, in a shortened version is the reason for my ridiculous love affair for all things fit and healthy. And believe me when I say that I sure as heck was not born this way!

I grew up in a really happy home. Good parents and a large extended family that stuck together through thick and thin. I was the eldest of 5 children and held a huge responsibility role in the eyes of my parents. (this taught me to be a self starter and not a lagger) My issues weren’t really too deep but for a young adult, they sure felt that way!

I was a super shy child and young adult. And don’t think that I’m being “generous” with my wording there. Just because I’m the OPPOSITE of shy today, my core being is, and always will be, shy. I was an introvert to the nth degree. In fact, I recently met up with a preschool age friend that in my memory, was my BESTEST friend EVERRRRRR!!!! I would always think back fondly about going to her house after school and playing with both her and her brother and having her alongside of me in school and feeling amazing about it. Well, as it goes, I wondered about whatever happened to her as I thought she was the reason I got through my preschool years ( you know, those are the TOUGH years! 😉 ) so as it happens, I ran into her at a local 5k race in our area a few years ago. What a trip!!

We reconnected and chatted excitedly about the years past and then she asked me later to run another race with her, as one of her team members had to bow out. It was a 2 hour drive to the race that morning and she agreed to drive me there. We had a fun conversation all the way there…now I’m wondering if I did most of the talking! LOL

At one point, she turned to be (briefly cuz she was at the wheel) and asked hurriedly, “Kathy, can I ask what happened to you?”

This made me pause…and not many things make me pause.

I asked, “what do you mean?” with a nervous smile on my face.

She went on to explain, “well, when we were in school together, you were so quiet. I mean,” and here she paused again looking a bit guilty about what she was about to say, “I don’t even remember you ever talking!”

And there it was. The enormity of my childhood terror.

never talked? Like EVER???

 

And why would someone be friends with someone like me? Someone who never brought anything to the conversation or friendship?

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Wow…I must have been worse than I imagined.

But, it was so long ago, who really cares? lol We laughed it off and had an awesome race together.

The moral of that story is that I was shy. 😉

As a result of being so shy, I obviously never related or talked with anyone so why should I feel understood? Well, surprisingly, I always felt isolated. duh. and alone. duh.

Well, now it all makes sense but at the time, and in a child’s mind, it was a terrible feeling. I only wanted to be home. I found every reason to get out of attending school when I was young. I couldn’t ever prove that I had a fever or cold, so I would complain of regular “headaches” and “tummy aches”. My mom finally caught on that I was fine and started sending me to school anyway…

oh, the torture! 😉

Since I was a loner at school, I was also a loner most everyone else. I remember feeling ridiculously happy when I ate sweet foods. Like cookies, cake, brownies, etc. Who doesn’t, right? But in my child-mind, I decided this was “heaven” and would daydream about more sweets and treats. I remember getting a Mickey Mouse cookbook for kids and making sweets for my “family”…but really just for me. What a reality check when I would place my “just out of the oven” baked goodies on the cooling rack and finish cleaning the dishes (because that is what a responsible young cook does!), and then turn around and see that the pan had been demolished by my younger siblings.

GASP!

This happened more than once, and trust me when I say that I would do my very best to keep an eye on them or hurry the dish cleaning process so they couldn’t sneak in.

But they always did! And I was furious!

So, I devised a plan. I would double the recipe and bake TWO, not one, recipe! The second pan would be secretly carried to my room to “cool”. Heck, who was I kidding, I was already a sugar addict!

Then, I’d go back to happily cleaning the dishes and knowing the siblings were devouring pan #1…but that didn’t phase me. (I wonder now if they ever caught on?)

I’d then go into my room and enjoy my BIG pan of brownies!

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This only created a monster. I began hiding foods and “sneaking” it into my mouth as often as possible. Almost like I was hoarding my addiction.

Obviously, this became an issue as the weight started to creep up…and now, I was in my early teenage years. Oh, the humanity!! LOL

Thus, began the cycle of binging and starving…never purging, I was too much of a scaredy cat to force myself to throw up. I became increasingly unhappy with my weight and would look to any “diets” or crazy schemes to get me the bodies that I saw in the “Seventeen” magazine issues. Bad plan.

And this, was how my crazy changes began….

 

To be continued….

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